


Dark Knight Brownie Bite

by trashofalltrades



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Batman - Freeform, Crack Fic, Ice Cream, and batman ice cream, good ridiculous fun, lots of ice cream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 05:16:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13804200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashofalltrades/pseuds/trashofalltrades
Summary: Bruce Wayne and the Justice League discover that they have their own ice cream. Hilarity ensues.





	Dark Knight Brownie Bite

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is based off actual superhero ice cream that I found (and obviously bought). You can find the picture [here](https://trash0falltrades.tumblr.com/post/171295853111/look-what-chimaerakitten-and-i-found)  
> Much thanks to ChimaeraKitten for beta reading and buying ice cream with me!

Bruce walked into the living room to find Dick sitting in front of the T.V. and eating ice cream out of the carton.

“Tough day?”

“Had a fight with Babs,” Dick mumbled, stuffing another spoonful into his mouth.

“Ah.”  He looked down at what he was eating and did a double take. “Wait—is that _Batman ice cream_?”

Dick turned towards him with a scowl, daring Bruce to judge him. “Yes.”

“Oh…well. Where did you get it?”

“I dunno, Alfred brought it back.”

Bruce sat down next to him, getting a better look at the carton. “Are those really bat-shaped chocolate chunks?”

Dick granted him a small smile. “Yep. And they’re delicious.”

“Give me a moment to go get a bowl. I have to try this.”

 

********************************

 

Diana’s yell caused the other League members to come running into the room.

“What’s wrong?”  Barry asked, appearing out of nowhere by her side.

She turned towards him, a huge smile on her face. “Nothing. It is just—look what I found in the freezer. We have our own ice cream!” She brandished the carton at the group that had gathered. “See? Golden Lasso Twirl! This is amazing!”

She passed it along to the others, showing it off. “There are more too. Clark has one called Krypton Cookie Dough. And look at this one— Dark Knight Brownie Bite. It rhymes!

Dinah snorted. “Hear that? Our very own Batman has his own flavor.”

“Does it taste of vengeance? Barry asked, waggling his eyebrows.

“Shut it,” Bruce growled, glaring at him. “It's actually pretty decent.”

“You knew about this?”

“Well… yes. Alfred brought some home.”

Clark picked up one of the cartons for closer inspection. “Does anyone know _how_ we have our own ice cream? Who made this?”

“I think we did.” Seeing his puzzled look Bruce shrugged. “What, it’s merchandising. There are worse ways to promote the League.”

 “Well, I say we all try it,” Diana said, passing out a bunch of spoons and some more cartons.

The room fell silent as they all took their first bites, a chorus of “mmmms” soon following.

“This is amazing,” Diana confirmed. “I think we should be very proud.”

 

**************************************

“Pssst. Bruce!” Barry called, motioning him over.

“What’s going on?”

He leaned towards him. “We need to band together to stop Clark.”

“Has he been writing articles about you again?”

“What? No, that was only once. No, he keeps eating all of our merchandised ice cream.”

“Well, his face is technically on some of it.”

“But he’s eating yours and Diana’s too. Hal said he _specifically_ labeled his carton and saw Clark eating it. I thought we all agreed to never take something from the work fridge that wasn’t ours?”

Bruce’s eyes narrowed. “Well then.”

“You’ll help?”

He nodded. “This ends now.”

 

Later that week they once again heard yelling coming from the break room. Bruce and Barry entered to find Clark, laying on the floor panting, the freezer opened to reveal shelves stacked with Kryptonite.

He glared up at them from the floor.

“Really?” he groaned.

Bruce shrugged. “Sorry, we all agreed this had to stop. You can’t keep eating all of the communal ice cream.”

“It…was just… a few bites.”

“Still against office rules.”

He rolled his eyes. “Fine…I’m sorry.”

Barry leaned over him “We should have tried this earlier. This was way more effective than that Ben and Jerry’s ice cream lock.”

Clark just scowled.

 

**************************************

 

Diana emailed Bruce a link with the message _Have you seen this yet?_ It was an article written by Clark detailing a contest between Metropolis and Gotham to determine whether Superman or Batman ice cream sold better. The winning city got bragging rights and a massive ice cream party put on by the League.

 _Who organized this?_ Bruce typed back.

_Me, of course. It’s a great way to draw attention to the product. Also, the rest of the League wanted to see you and Clark compete. There is a betting pool._

He sighed and re-read the article. There was no choice but to ensure that Gotham won. He was planning his strategy when Dick leaned over his shoulder.

“I’m ready for patrol. I’m going to go and —wait—is that….”

“The damn ice cream? Yes.”

He leaned in farther.  “Oh my god, you’re having a contest?” He burst out laughing. “Well I’ve done my part already. How are you getting the rest of Gotham to buy in?”

“I have a few ideas.”

 

 

The next day he sent Alfred to every store in the area to buy up all the Batman flavors he could find. He then called the distributer to explain that he wanted to buy as much Batman ice cream as he possibly could, whatever the cost.

“Are you serious?” Dick asked, eyebrows raised.

“It’s a matter of honor. You all want an ice cream party, don’t you?”

“Sure, but what are you doing with all the ice cream you’re buying right now?”

“I already told you, I’ll give it to Batburger.”

“And I told you that your idea was ridiculous!”

 “Why? I’m helping a local business.”

“Surrrreeeee.” he said, with an eye roll. “Just because they’re bat themed doesn’t mean they can use a thousand gallons of batman ice cream.”

“Well, they can now.”

 

Clark was waging a successful campaign himself. There were articles nearly every day in the Daily Planet about what the contest meant to Metropolis, one of which involved interviewing adorable elementary schoolers about how they were raising money to buy the ice cream. A few days in he even appeared on morning news channels as Superman to hawk the product.

Dick stared at Clark on the T.V. shaking his head. “That’s low. We can’t let this stand.”

“I thought you said this was ridiculous.”

“Well now he’s fighting dirty. And it’s not like you can go endorse the product as Batman, no criminal in Gotham would ever take you seriously again.”

A slow grin spread over Bruce’s face.

“What? Whatever you’re thinking, I don’t like already.”

“ _I_ can’t, but maybe the boy wonder can.”

Dick opened his mouth to protest and then just let out a sigh. “Fine. Let me know when the cameras show up.”

 

 

It went back and forth for nearly a month, the two of them constantly trying to one up the other.

On the very last day, Diana sent them the month’s sales report. When he opened it there was a press release from the League about how grateful they were that everyone was so involved, and that since the sales were so close, both cities would be receiving the prize.

Bruce swore.

 _Are you serious?_  he typed back. _Please tell me you’re joking._

_We wanted to reward both cities. Why is that so bad?_

_Because by my calculations, I’ve bought over thirty thousand dollars’ worth of Batman ice cream within the past month._

When he told Dick and Alfred later in the day they merely shrugged. “Technically we didn’t lose.” Dick said. “And I’ve heard Batburger is expanding. So you really did help out a local business.”

“Great,” he said, less than enthused.

Alfred smiled. “Oh, do cheer up Master Bruce. I can get you some ice cream if it would make you feel better.”

“God no.”

 

 


End file.
